Psalm 23

As I walk through this adoption journey I find I must be vigilant about my thought life - as Joyce Meyer says "Think about what you are thinking about!" And so I find myself seeking peace in the midst of my ever-changing, often out of control circumstances!

In my quest for the peace that only the Lord can deliver, I came across this paraphrase of Psalm 23 in Linda Dillow's book Calm My Anxious Heart (a must read in my opinion).

The Lord is my peace. I shall not live in anxiety. He puts me under His wing of comfort and calms my spirit within me. He takes all my anxieties on Himself and helps me to focus on Him. Yes, though I walk through a time of grave uncertainties and fierce anxieties. I will not fret for You are my peace. Your Word and Your presence calm me now. You hold my uncertainties in the palm of Your hand. You soothe my anxious mind – You smooth my wrinkled brow. Surely serenity and trust in You shall fill me all the days of my life. And I shall keep my mind stayed on You forever.

A Tale of Two Phone Calls

Yesterday was a day of extremes...

The first phone call came in the afternoon from my adoption agency letting me know that I am now the next mom who will receive a referral of a child! There are no longer any families ahead of me on the wait list. How amazing! Thank you Lord! I feel like I'm on cloud 9! I am told that I will likely receive my referral this Summer - meaning Hannah will likely be coming home this Fall! I am full of excitement, anticipation and all around joy!

Then the second phone call, around 6pm, from my boss, calling to let me know of some immediate changes in the structure of our business relationship. Sadness and fear set in! I have had it all planned out in my head - how my time off from travel will work and how I'll provide for Hannah and I during that time - that is all questionable now - at least in the way I had it all planned out. I feel like the clouds are moving in and my heart is deflated! What was joy and anticipation earlier in the day is now clouded by worry. So many questions run through my head - how will I be able to take my maternity leave? how will I have a steady income during my time off the road?

Last night I spent some time in prayer, and I sensed the Lord is reminding me of His promise to me "I will provide." And I believe that wholeheartedly! But my feelings don't seem to follow!

Today as I am driving around running errands a verse from a Psalm comes to mind....

Psalm 42:11
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

I immediately recognize that I have been putting my hope in my plans, in my job, and not in God! The one who has opened all of the doors to make this happen!

Forgive me Lord for trusting more in my plans than in Yours! And thank You for the hope that You have planted in my heart for Your provision for Hannah!

Roller Skating?

Syd had her 8th birthday party today – what fun! She chose Skate City for the location – reminiscent of Skate Land in the Valley only cleaner. I remember the days of heading to Skate Land, hoping to be asked to skate the couples song – bliss! Skating hand in hand to a Chicago or an Air Supply ballad….what could be better?
So I donned my size nine pair of rental skates and stood up for the first time in about 20 years (how in the world did I get so old?) and I expected it to all come back naturally as if it was yesterday that I was racing around the rink never once reaching out for the wall. And then the moment of truth hits and I'm frantically trying to reach the wall before my butt hits the floor. What a strange sensation, to be 100% certain you can skate, no fear, and then to stand up and realize with the same 100% certainty that you cannot!
Looks like I've got some practicing to do! But the first thing I'll have to deal with is getting over the fear of falling!

When's Hannah comin' home, Auntie?

Precious words from my dear niece Syd who will turn 8 next week! She walked into my room tonight and asked this question – out of the blue – proving once again that she thinks about my pending adoption on a regular basis!
"Actually", she'll tell you "it was my idea!" And this is partially true. One morning about six months ago she walked into this same room and asked me very matter of factly "why don't you have kids auntie?" to which my only reply was a stuttered "well, I guess because I'm not married" to which she answered just as bluntly "well why don't you adopt then?" It's all so simple, isn't it? And her innocent, but very serious question started me on the most amazing adventure of my life – the journey towards adoption!
I can't wait for you to come home Hannah!

Impossible?

So here are all the things that seem impossible….

1. Insurance – how in the world can I afford my already outrageously priced health insurance for both me and Hannah?
   
2. Time off – I would love to stay at home for at least 6 months when Hannah first gets here! What money will make that possible?
   
3. Money – I don't have enough regular income right now to make it on my own – if it weren't for my savings I'd be sunk! How can I expect to have enough to pay for Hannah and me?
   
4. Career – what in the world do I want to be when I grow up? A mom! But that sure isn't gonna pay the mortgage. So what can I do that doesn't require so much travel, but brings in the income that my sales job offers?
   

Is this too big a list for You, Lord? Are You as overwhelmed by these things as I am? I know that is a ridiculous question to pose! If this is Your plan and Your desire for my life You will make it happen! Am I to step out in faith and trust that You will provide?

Rambling Thoughts

So I've never blogged before – (is that a verb?) but if I did it might go something like this…

I find myself drawn to mindless things….Chuzzle, ridiculous TV shows, eating chocolate donuts, snuggling with my girls (that is my two dogs) what am I avoiding? Trying to figure out the next steps…how do I fill my week? Which of late has consisted of 4 maybe 5 clients, teaching class just under two hours a week, church, checking email way too many times, exercise and well that may be about it. I feel this sense of sadness and loss – but loss of what? Busyness? Income? A clear path toward adoption?

What next Lord? How do I move toward being able to fulfill the demands of single motherhood? I need to be healthy – physically, emotionally, financially – that's a tall order! I find myself worrying and ruminating but not moving – the only thing is where to move?

My heart is heavy – especially as I think about how much I long to be a mom – and as I consider my current circumstances (bringing in about $300/week) I think how is that possible? But then even as I write that I am reminded that "Nothing is impossible with God!" Luke 1:37 – interesting those are the words an angel said to a young virgin named Mary who was about to become a mother.