Sunday, October 28, 2007
So I donned my size nine pair of rental skates and stood up for the first time in about 20 years (how in the world did I get so old?) and I expected it to all come back naturally as if it was yesterday that I was racing around the rink never once reaching out for the wall. And then the moment of truth hits and I'm frantically trying to reach the wall before my butt hits the floor. What a strange sensation, to be 100% certain you can skate, no fear, and then to stand up and realize with the same 100% certainty that you cannot!
Looks like I've got some practicing to do! But the first thing I'll have to deal with is getting over the fear of falling!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
"Actually", she'll tell you "it was my idea!" And this is partially true. One morning about six months ago she walked into this same room and asked me very matter of factly "why don't you have kids auntie?" to which my only reply was a stuttered "well, I guess because I'm not married" to which she answered just as bluntly "well why don't you adopt then?" It's all so simple, isn't it? And her innocent, but very serious question started me on the most amazing adventure of my life – the journey towards adoption!
I can't wait for you to come home Hannah!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
So here are all the things that seem impossible….
- Insurance – how in the world can I afford my already outrageously priced health insurance for both me and Hannah?
- Time off – I would love to stay at home for at least 6 months when Hannah first gets here! What money will make that possible?
- Money – I don't have enough regular income right now to make it on my own – if it weren't for my savings I'd be sunk! How can I expect to have enough to pay for Hannah and me?
- Career – what in the world do I want to be when I grow up? A mom! But that sure isn't gonna pay the mortgage. So what can I do that doesn't require so much travel, but brings in the income that my sales job offers?
Is this too big a list for You, Lord? Are You as overwhelmed by these things as I am? I know that is a ridiculous question to pose! If this is Your plan and Your desire for my life You will make it happen! Am I to step out in faith and trust that You will provide?
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I find myself drawn to mindless things….Chuzzle, ridiculous TV shows, eating chocolate donuts, snuggling with my girls (that is my two dogs) what am I avoiding? Trying to figure out the next steps…how do I fill my week? Which of late has consisted of 4 maybe 5 clients, teaching class just under two hours a week, church, checking email way too many times, exercise and well that may be about it. I feel this sense of sadness and loss – but loss of what? Busyness? Income? A clear path toward adoption?
What next Lord? How do I move toward being able to fulfill the demands of single motherhood? I need to be healthy – physically, emotionally, financially – that's a tall order! I find myself worrying and ruminating but not moving – the only thing is where to move?
My heart is heavy – especially as I think about how much I long to be a mom – and as I consider my current circumstances (bringing in about $300/week) I think how is that possible? But then even as I write that I am reminded that "Nothing is impossible with God!" Luke 1:37 – interesting those are the words an angel said to a young virgin named Mary who was about to become a mother.