A Big Decision

About a week ago I made the decision to pursue a concurrent adoption. I am in no way giving up on bringing Hannah home - I will wait as LONG as it takes! I believe that God has called me to be her mama. I also have always wanted to have two children and the longer this wait becomes the more I feel I should begin the process of daughter number two. It's been a really hard process. I have been thinking and praying about this for months. I haven 't acted until now, because I didn't feel I had clear direction and couldn't get any peace about it. The peace finally settled on me about a week ago and I decided to "go until I get a NO!" (gotta love that Erwin McManus - see a great video about this topic here.) Everything feels so out of control and part of me is just so ANGRY that this path has become so rocky! Even angry at God - thankfully, He is big enough to handle it and I believe, wants me to be honest about my feelings - don't believe me? Just read some of the Psalms of David - there's a man after God's own heart who also failed miserably (remember Bathsheba?) and vented his anger at God a time or two.
Anywho, I digress, I met with my agency, collected all of the necessary paperwork and left feeling pretty excited about going forward with adopting a waiting child from the foster care system. These feelings of excitement quickly faded as I began filling out the paperwork....ugh! This is round three of the arduous task of applying to adopt! (Guatemala - closed, Kyrgyzstan - on seemingly interminable delay and now domestic) Seriously, I must be a lunatic! Nobody signs up for this much punishment! Sigh....
But, I will move forward - feelings change all of the time and I don't feel lack of excitement about the paperwork is the "No" that would lead me to stop. And overall I am still excited about the other side of the paperwork...a sister for Hannah!