3 years ago today....

I received referral photos of the beautiful Aishola and knew she would be my daughter.
I find myself thinking of her today....wondering if she is running along the shore of Lake Issyk-kul with some siblings? Continuing to pray for her and her forever family. Feeling forever grateful that she isn't still waiting in an orphanage in Kyrgyz while the government delays and denies the damage they cause to the littlest victims.
Still grieving a bit that I was never able to complete her adoption...
Hannah Aishola you will forever be in my heart!

101st and last post

Wow - I just realized that my Happy Birthday to Moonbeam post was my 100th post! Crazy!
Anyhow, I've decided this will be my last post here on Hoping for Hannah - so sad that it has come to this....but sweet Moonbeam is with her new family and I am not certain if I will be getting any updates - I'm still hoping, but as of now it doesn't seem likely. I will continue to pray for her and she will always be in my heart!
This journey has taken so many unexpected twists and turns. I am so thankful that none of this has taken God by surprise and that even though I don't really understand why things have turned out the ways they have - His plan is still unfolding....He is still in control!
I am starting a new adoption journey - I will be blogging about it here. I hope and pray it will end differently, but I know that no matter the outcome I will still be His.
One thing I have definitely learned during this journey to adopt is that this is not just my journey - I am amazed at the ways God has impacted others through my journey - huh? You mean it's not all about me? :)
I re-discovered this post on another of my blogs and it really fits with where I'm at now....this journey is not just my own...hope you'll join me.

Happy 4th Birthday, Moonbeam

Happy birthday sweet Moonbeam! I am thinking of you today and wishing I could be there to celebrate with you and your family! I am having daydreams of you and your cousins and friends playing outside, eating ice cream and pastries! Opening presents! Celebrating you!
I cannot begin to tell you, sweet girl, how happy I am to know you are with your family and not making a move this week to the older kids' orphanage!
I do miss you though and wish that I could be there to sing and celebrate with you!
Happy Birthday - I will always be praying for you! You will always have an Auntie in Colorado who loves you!

Thanks and an Update

First, let me say a million thanks to all of you who have left comments, sent me emails and called to encourage! I am so thankful for all of you! I feel supported, understood and loved! Thank you!
Next, let me say this has been one of the hardest weeks! I spent most of it alternating between celebrating and grieving - I am completely exhausted.
I spoke with my agency this evening and she had an update from our in country coordinator that was again both heartbreaking and heartwarming. She says that Hannah has in fact, gone to live with relatives. When they came to take her home, I am told she was very confused, upset and kept asking for me - she wanted to see my pictures and kept asking where I was? Sweet girl - as much as is possible for a three year old she truly was waiting for me and that really warms my heart! I hope I will be able to stay in touch with her. My coordinator says that she will contact them in the Fall after they have had time to settle in and ask if it would be OK for me to write her. I truly hope so!
Again, thank you so much to each of you who have shown your love, support and understanding of this painful journey.

An Answer to Prayer

Back on March 6th I posted about the change in my prayer for Moonbeam. I started praying specifically for a family in Kyrgyz to adopt her - before her 4th birthday!

Just under two months later and God has answered that prayer. My agency coordinator called today to let me know that relatives have returned to the BBH to adopt Moonbeam. She tells me that she first heard about this three weeks ago, but was waiting to share with me until she knew for sure that it would be happening.

As I type through my tears, heartbroken that I will not get to be her mama, I am also thrilled to know she will not wait any longer, she will not move orphanages in July - instead she will celebrate her birthday with her forever family - and that makes me want to jump for joy!

I am forever changed by this process. I am honored that I have been able to pray for and love Moonbeam for the past 23 months. And that honor will not stop now. I will continue to pray for her and for her forever family.

In the News

Lots of press recently - too bad it isn't good news :(

Friday April 23rd - Associated Press Writer David Crary - find story here

Friday April 23rd - Washington Post article about the base - find story here

Wednesday April 21st - Laurie Rich story published in Newsweek - find story here
Recognize the mom and daughter strolling the grounds of the BBH?

Wednesday April 21st - Moscow Times article about Kyrgyz - find story here

Haven't posted in awhile...

mainly because it is just so hard to put into words all that has happened over the last few weeks. From the high of the Family Code legislation that could pave the way for the starting of international adoptions again being passed in parliament waiting for the president to sign after a 30 day public comment period to the low of that very parliament being dissolved by an interim government...I just don't know what to say anymore.

I pray that this leads the way for a brighter future for Kyrgyzstan overall, but I am fearful that sweet Moonbeam and the other waiting children will be the littlest victims in the battle for that brighter future.

As I write that last sentence I am crying....again.

Moonbeam Has a Visitor!

Many of you probably know that JCICS and three waiting families were on the ground in Bishkek over this past week. You can read more at JCICS's blog Be the Answer.

God orchestrated the trip perfectly to allow the families to meet with many officials at a strategic time - the week right before Parliament is scheduled to discuss IA once again. Now we wait with baited breath this week to see how they might act on the info shared last week.

One of the wonderful benefits of this trip was that the team had the opportunity to check in on the waiting children. My dear friend and travel buddy Lisa wrote me this email last week....I really haven't stopped smiling since! And I cannot wait to see the photos!

"I just wanted you to know that I spent a little time with A. today. Oh my, she is sooooo beautiful! She has a head of hair and her smiling eyes are still shiney! I crocheted her a little hat on the way over on the second flight. I put it on and took some pictures. I did not have the chance to make her a photo book, but I did bring a couple of photos. Oh, it was beautiful. I will share more when I am home and rested, but know that she is still a bright little star and all seems well."

A million thanks to Lisa and the rest of the team for taking the time to love all of the waiting kiddos! It means so much to know that they are well! I am encouraged for the first time in months. Even though we still do not have a travel date I am once again hopeful that things will eventually be resolved and Moonbeam and all of her buddies will come home!

Dare to Hope

When you have waited to be a mom since you were a little girl, and waited to complete an international adoption for two and a half years (I started with Guatemala) you begin to lose hope and in an effort to protect your heart you choose not to hope. You begin to choose not to dream about having your little girl at home with you. You start avoiding looking at the pictures of her sweet little face, not because you don't adore her, but because looking at her pictures makes your heart ache so intensely you don't know if you can bear it. You begin to wonder why God would not want to make your dreams come true.?

As 2010 begins, I really sense God saying to me - I want you to "dare to hope"! Even in the midst of the ongoing uncertainty. Even if your heart continues to break - dare to hope! Hope in Me, in my love for you, in my love for Hannah and all of the waiting children. Hope in My commitment to and passion for orphans.

Following along with the Lajoy's adventure of adding two more little girls to their family, reminds me that with God ALL things are possible. (Matthew 19:26)

And so, this year I will dare to hope!

Merry Christmas Blogging Friends

I just want to wish all of my blogging friends a very Merry Christmas! Your comments and support through this long journey mean so very much to me! Your support holds me up when I feel like I am sinking in the sadness of this wait.

May the Prince of Peace fill you with the peace that only He can bring during this Season of Advent.

Isaiah 9:6

For a child is born to us. A Son is given to us. And the government will rest on His shoulders. These will be His royal titles:

Wonderful Counselor

Mighty God

Everlasting Father

The Prince of Peace.

Merry Christmas Moonbeam!

Dear Sweet Moonbeam ~

Merry Christmas sweetie. I am thinking of you today and missing you terribly. I wish you were here to join in on all the fun of Christmas morning. Opening lots of Santa presents and looking through your stocking to see what goodies you might find there. Enjoying the yummy french toast that Uncle Denny made especially for us. I wish you could play with your cousin Aleah. I know Syd wishes she could play with you too.

Mama loves you and is praying for you all the time. And praying for the officials that they will get a move on and let you come home soon!

Advent and I.A.*

Advent is a season of waiting. A season of joyful anticipation of the birth of our Savior. There were more than 400 years of relative silence between Malachi and Matthew...400 years of waiting for the Messiah promised over and over by the prophets, finally fulfilled by a tiny baby's cry.
Jesus

He was the answer everyone was waiting for.

And no one expected.

A warrior, yes!

A King - definitely!

A statesman - to be sure!

But a baby? Completely unexpected.

And yet, He was and still is, the perfect answer to a world in need of reconciliation, forgiveness, restoration, healing.


I.A. has turned out to be a season of waiting for me. Completely unexpected. As I anticipate the joyful homecoming of Moonbeam. As the wait drags on maintaining a sense of hopefulness is tricky. And yet hope I must. In light of who I know God to be - a God of reconciliation, a God whose heart is for the orphan. A God of mercy and compassion. My hope is in Him. In the one who will provide for Hannah and for me in unexpected ways. I don't want to be so caught up in my frustration that things don't look like I would have liked or expected that I miss His plan. And so I wait - sometimes in joyful expectation, other times in self - pity, but I wait nonetheless. I won't give up Moonbeam - I am still waiting, and hoping and praying that one day we will be reunited!

*I.A. = International Adoption

This, I Know...

This baby crying picture is so me right now! Balled up fists, crying my eyes out!

As this wait drags on, I am finding myself frequently in tears as I think about sweet Moonbeam still living in an orphanage, without a family.

I am in tears thinking about her going through another winter there. It's cold!

And to be honest, I am in tears thinking about another holiday season without children of my own to enjoy it with.

I just can't make sense of this at all....and so I cry...often.

Don't get me wrong, I am not hopeless. I still firmly believe that Moonbeam and all of the waiting children will come home. I am just grieving the loss of this time with her. During these formative and crucial years for attachment and development, it breaks my heart that she is not with me. I grieve for both of us. I grieve for all the orphans.

So, in this mess of tears I am finding I have to be really vigilant about my thoughts. The words of Peter speak to me...

1Peter 5:8-11

8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
10And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

When I am alert, this, I know for sure: God is not powerless. He has not forgotten me, Moonbeam or any of the other waiting children. He is not sleeping on the job, He is at work. His plan will prevail! God is mighty to save. He is protecting Moonbeam's heart. His heart breaks with mine for the sweet children.

Joel 2:25 (King James Version)
25And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.

I know I am totally taking this verse out of context, but the words keep coming back to me. I will restore to you the years the the locust hath eaten. I really believe that the Lord will restore these years of living in an orphanage to Hannah and me. This, I know....

From Butterflies to Disappointment

The wait continues and, in fact, looms larger. Our conference call today was hopeful from the standpoint that there is lots of advocating for the children happening at very high levels. BUT - well from the title you knew there had to be a but - once again there is absolutely no sense that anything will happen anytime soon. In fact, it's pretty clear that the wait is really nowhere close to over! ARGHHHHH!!!

I still feel very hopeful that this will eventually work out - and the officials on the call seemed to communicate that as well.

Even though I was trying to manage my expectations, I think I let myself hope that we might have some indication of a time frame.

Living with uncertainty is exhausting. I'm just ready to bring Moonbeam home. She needs to be with her family.

Butterflies

Today holds the possibility for good news! The butterflies are flying!
Lord - breakthrough!

Anticipation...

that pretty much sums it up....anticipation! With the renewal of hope there is also an anticipation of news, not just news, but good news. I wish I was free to share more, but suffice it to say that movement is occurring. Nothing definite, but movement nonetheless.

Over this past week the waiting 65 families have been supporting each other in ways that are hard to describe. One way that I wanted to share with you, was a post started by one of the dear moms called, "Thread for encouraging verses" - what a fabulous idea - by the end of the day there must have been over 50 verses posted - and encouraging is an understatement for sure!

It is inspiring and contagious to be a part of a group of families who are clinging to the Lord during this prolonged wait.

I especially like this post from one of the moms...
Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.
~ Romans 12:12, NLT

And so, in anticipation of our confident hope being fulfilled, I will leave you with this picture of Moonbeam and I strolling the grounds of the BBH. Hopeful that someday soon, you will be seeing pictures - including our faces - of us strolling the grounds of home.

Renewed Hope, but a Breaking Heart, Nonetheless

It's funny, my hope continues to grow that Moonbeam will come home someday, but my heart is breaking in new pieces, knowing that I still have no concrete idea of when. In fact, I really don't know that we are anywhere near closer to a date than we have been in months. As November looms closer (October starts in two days, after all), I am reminded of just how little news or movement happened in November and December last year - so many holidays and days off.
We need a breakthrough, Lord.

Updating Paperwork

So, with a heart full of hope, I finally had it in me to write the two paragraph letter to USCIS to request the one time free extension of my I171-H*. Whew - takes a lot out of you. :-)

But seriously, I've just been putting it off because I've felt like nothing was happening so why bother? It's good to have some hope again. I know that we still have no idea when it will happen, but I have to say, I once I again feel like it's not if, it's when will Moonbeam come home?

Hip, Hip, Hooray!

*For those unfamiliar this is the approval one needs for immigration purposes - once we get Moonbeam the heck out of the BBH!

A Friday Full of Hope

What a difference a couple of weeks make! My last post on 9/4 was a bit on the hopeless side.
Solomon was right when he wrote, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Proverbs 13:12).

While I don't have anything concrete to share in terms of a date to leave for the Gotcha Trip, we have had a flurry of news this week! A letter drafted by members of congress, including Ken Salazar from Colorado - (go Ken!) was sent to the Kyrgyz Embassy in DC and to Kyrgyzstan, requesting a meeting with the Prime Minister when he is in the States next week!

Along with the news of this letter, we also heard that a paper in Bishkek published an article specifically about International Adoption and stating that the Parliament is of the mind to lift the moratorium and process the adoptions of the 65 families while they overhaul the whole adoption process. Rather than making us wait until they finish re-writing the family code - which I applaud the Kyrgyz for doing. We want things to be transparent, ethical, legal and most importantly, in the best interest of the children!

I'm trying to manage my expectations, but I feel a surge of hopefulness. There is more potential for movement than we've had in months!

Fridays

Fridays should be happy occasions - and the Friday before a three day weekend should be joyful! Right?
I realize that as this wait to bring Moonbeam home continues, I find myself very melancholy on Fridays.
Another week over.
Another week without news.
Another week older.
Another week of milestones missed.
Another week spent living in an orphanage.
Another weekend to wait through, knowing the next possible news will be Monday.

It just makes me so sad.....sigh